These are my dear friends, Archana and Yogendra (Yogi), who are Indian parents of two gorgeous children, Avni (14) and Advik (5). Our families have been good friends for nine years. They are Australian citizens, however Yogi and Archana are originally from towns near Delhi, India.
This is story #7 in an 8-part series for International Women's Day I'm writing, featuring powerful stories of women who have broken the bias.
I asked them if they would share their story about their arranged marriage, in hopes to dispel some of the bias surrounding this topic.
To be honest, I hadn’t felt comfortable enough to ask people about arranged marriage before so I was keen to learn more about it so they both graciously answered my questions.
Yogi grew up in a country town 120 kms from Delhi, and his family owned a sugar cane farm. After graduating from uni, he landed an IT job and moved to the city (Chennai), 2,500 kms from home. A year later his dad (Dharampal) decided it was time to find Yogi a wife. His dad had organised dozens of arranged marriages (Yogi has 6 sisters) and frankly, he was good at it.
When Yogi was 26, his dad started reaching out to nearby communities to search for potential ‘marriage candidates’. Even though Yogi had six sisters, Yogi was his only son.
Although Yogi was nervous to be matched with a stranger, he trusted his dad knew him well enough and would do right by him. Yogi was asked what he wanted in a partner, and he relayed that she should come from a good family, must be a nice person and be willing to help those in need.
Before this matchmaking process, Archana told me that she had never met Yogi before despite living only 40kms from each other. Both families had links to sugar farming, and this is how Archana’s uncle, who was also a farmer, knew Yogi’s dad, Dharampal. Local farmers would meet periodically at the sugar cane factory to sell their raw sugar cane.
This was where Archana’s uncle first met Yogi’s dad and discussed the potential marriage of Archana and Yogi. Archana’s uncle knew the family background for both families, so at first, he was the ‘matchmaker’.
Traditionally the woman is given the first choice in selecting the partner for marriage. Archana’s family had a checklist of criteria that the boy must meet. The girl is also given 7 months to decide if she agrees to the marriage.
At the time Archana was 23 and had finished her master’s degree in Economics and was employed as a primary school teacher at a private school.
Yogi’s family gave Archana’s family a photo of him, unfortunately, the only one they had was of Yogi with a moustache. Archana was not impressed! Archana told me “His moustache and clothing was a look from the 90s and he looked like a boy, not a man who could provide for her future.”
Yogi’s family explained to Archana’s family that he no longer had a moustache. And despite Archana’s worry, her dad, late Rambvir, who recently passed away, and whom she was incredibly close to, convinced her that Yogi is truly a good man. She loved her dad so much and so she trusted his opinion, because her dad was a good man too. (He worked for the government and provided a lot of socio-economic assistance to many families in the community.)
The interview process spanned around 3-4 months before Archana and Yogi would meet. Archana’s family were allowed to come on numerous dates to ask Yogi and his family all their questions. Did he smoke? Did he drink? Did he ever get into trouble??
Yogi says someone from the family disguised as HR called him to ask if he was looking for a job, and what was his salary? Yogi hadn’t lied about this, so they didn’t find anything negative. Another family member even came to stay with him in the city for a couple of days, to verify his employment and character.
Finally, Archana’s father and brother agreed it was okay for Yogi and Archana to meet for the first time. Archana’s family visited Yogi’s house and met Yogi’s family members and they felt that he was a good boy. They were slightly worried about his financial position, but they agreed anyway to allow the ‘match’ to meet.
Archana told me that by the way, her dad had chosen another potential marriage candidate for Archana to meet – he was handsome and his family background was very strong and they were wealthy. However, Archana’s dad really liked Yogi, because Yogi had made a really good impression. Archana’s dad never pursued the opportunity with the other boy – he trusted his instinct that Yogi was the best match.
At their first meeting, they were both incredibly shy and didn’t say much, plus they were being observed by family members. However, eventually, they started…talking A LOT. Archana was so pleased with Yogi’s honesty and kindness.
Yogi explained to Archana, “I have a big family of 6 sisters in my home, and it’s a joy but financially I still need to support them for a few years after we’re married.” Yogi explained “It’s challenging for any woman to spend their own earnings to help other families and Archana kept her word”, which made his love for her grow even more.
I asked Archana when did she know she genuinely liked Yogi? She told me after he came to her house a couple of times, “I decided yes, I really wanted to marry him.” She explained, “The girl has 7 months, but it only took me 3 months to decide. He’s the right person, he understands my feelings so I would like to marry him.”
All of Archana’s uncles were concerned and asked their brother (late Rambvir) how is Archana going to have a nice future? But her dad didn’t listen to them. He told them “No, I believe Yogi is the right person for her.”
Archana said, after one year at someone else’s wedding, my dad told his brothers, “You see (I was right). Yogi and Archana have worked in the US, and they are happy together.” Archana explained that it’s a big deal when you’re able to take your career overseas – it brings much higher respect in their community back home. (By the way Yogi now works as an IT Senior Incident Manager at Commonwealth Bank.)
One year later, they were married. He was 27 and she was 24. Their wedding was attended by 2000+ people over 2 days. And they did indeed fall in love.
Here’s the kicker, despite their own marriage success, Archana and Yogi agree they don’t want arranged marriage for their children. Now that their daughter, Avni, is 14 years old they discuss the topic openly with her. They have said, “Our wish is for Avni to choose her own husband. Now that we’ve lived in Australia for 13 years, we realise it’s important for her to choose for herself. We just hope she chooses within our faith. We want our children to be a part of equal marriage.”
I asked Yogi, “Is your dad okay with this?” Yogi laughed and said “Yah, he’s tired because some of the marriages in their town didn’t work out. He understands now.”
Yogi and Archana have helped their families to break the bias of arranged marriage. Yogi says, “I think it’s getting better where people respect other cultures and castes.”
Thank you Archana and Yogi for sharing your love story of 17 years, and for helping to Break the Bias around arranged marriage. And we’re happy for Archana that Yogi ditched his moustache! xx
