These are my friends, Carly and Lenka, a SAME SEX couple raising two gorgeous boys, aged 3 and 7. Lenka is from the UK and Carly is from Canada, but they don’t have an extended family network here in Australia.
This is story #5 of an 8 part series for International Woman's Day where I've featured powerful stories of women who Break the Bias.
I asked them about what types of bias they experience as a dual mum family. They both explained that although their friends consisted of 50% heterosexual families and 50% same sex families, they struggled with so many ‘labels’ or false assumptions made about their own family.
The bias they’ve experienced is “How are two women going to take on the traditional roles?” They would be asked “Who’s the dad?” They would both respond politely, “What do you mean by that – there clearly is no dad?”
One of the things that Carly shared is that there’s no blueprint for same sex couples, in the same way there is for heterosexual couples. It’s never clear who should take on which role – who should take time off for maternity leave? When we go to weddings or parties - who should be in the garage drinking beers with the dads and who hangs out with the wives?
Lenka carried both babies which made Carly suffer Imposter Syndrome because she didn’t get to experience pregnancy firsthand or share stories with other mums.
What Carly and Lenka explained to me was that they both have what society labels as ‘feminine’ and ‘masculine’ qualities and therefore they don’t fit the norms that people try to ‘box them into’. They each play to their strengths. Lenka is better with tools and fixing things, yet she is also incredibly maternal and happy to do co-sleeping with the baby. Whereas Carly admits she is career-driven which is why she was able to build a million dollar luxury travel tours business but she also managed home schooling during lockdown.
Lenka as a graphic designer, struggled to find part-time roles that worked with her carer duties, so she got out of her comfort zone and launched her own business. (By the way Lenka was the one who created my business logo and IMPower business name 4 yrs ago!) Her graphic design business was really helpful when Carly’s travel business was shut down due to Covid.
When we look back at how we thought our family would be, our kids are pretty well-rounded. They’ve had the privilege of watching both their mums swap roles, and transition between stay at home mum to bread winner during Covid.
Carly and Lenka have learned they’re just focused on “doing us” and not worrying how they fit into society’s labels. And that’s the same message they want for their boys. Felix might be asked “Where’s your dad?” And he responds with “I’ve got two mums at home and my dad’s in Canada.”
Where they worry the most is even though their boys live in a happy loving home, when they’re at school or birthday parties, they can’t control what friends’ parents or other kids say to them. One kid actually said to Felix (7) “I hate your mums.” Felix was ok with it all – we’ve taught him to ignore mean people.
We try to celebrate everything but not make anything different. Mason (3) put on a dress a couple of weeks ago, and he said “no boys wear this” and we told him “Your dad does!”. And a similar conversation happened with Felix (7) who proclaimed “Boys can’t have long hair.” Lenka said, “Hold up – aren’t there a few boys at your school with long hair?” She told him, ”Just concentrate on what YOU like.”
Even the school environment propels this division of the sexes, which is hard for us to see but Carly said she loves that Felix can tap into both.
Lenka asked Felix “You need to know what a lesbian is” He said “I know what that is, isn’t it a strong sporty girl!?” Lenka was proud of her 7 year-old’s description.
We experienced the same stresses as most families resulting from the pandemic – home schooling, job loss and financial stress. We’re fumbling as much as anybody else would be. And you know what? Our boys are great.
Today Carly & Lenka are managing 3 businesses, 2 little boys, investment properties and big overseas families. Physical and mental health are huge priorities in their home and whilst they’re eternally tired and not much comes easy – they are happy!
F*^@K the bias they say – let the haters hate!
Thank you Carly and Lenka for helping us to Break The Bias and forging a path for others.
